Sunday 22 November 2009

Wondering why is my life is ironic?? Just today, pastor preached to us about faith.. Something which i lack since the day my sis fell ill after our baptism. Felt so good after it that I was thinking of God along the way to studying with Vic..

Over there I lifted some heavy weight-thoughts in my heart off slightly and I was feeling rather happy.. Yet.. As i walk home.. I would receive the msg which says my sis is on the way to hospital yet again.. God... I've been struggling for years and most likely would struggle on.. While I believe with all my heart that you have the greatest reason in the world to do all these.. I sit here.. Praying.. Hoping.. Thinking.. Lord.. I'm weak. I'm immature and I'm really wondering.. Why tests keep coming by my way?

Sitting here.. Staring at nothing-ness, feeling sorry for sis and mom.. What have we done in our life to be brought to 10 years of suffering??? Every time my sis's Bday comes and we celebrate it.. It feels like me celebrating yet another full year of her illness.. I don't want this to continue!!! I always thought I was strong enough to face it over and over again but everytime she goes down.. I will be suffering.. losing faith and hope..

Negative thinking.. I said in my persentation that it prepares me for all incoming incident that might happen.. Today. I stand here. Soak in my own unbelieve and failing trust.. I've sank even deeper.. I'm now wishing for a exit.. Anywhere.. God.. I believe you hear me but this human being here have finally fallen.. Life to me is near blank and i'm ..........

~(07:13)


Saturday 21 November 2009

Went out today with Naz, Guo wei and Zhi kai.. wanted to go to the anime convention but it's freaking packed lah!! Need to buy tickets some more!!! zzz.. Gt so sian that we just went off to watch a movie.. Saw afew of my ex-SYOG's co-worker though haha!! Didn't say hi since they are so busy into their work ><..

We then went off to catch 2012 at marina square where zhi kai's slipper finally gave way!! wahhaha!!! he had to walk with one bare foot for sometime even after the movie until we go back to suntec's carrefour to buy a new slipper for him..

2012.. Been thinking of that show alot.. One reason is due to curiosity of the Mayan history and the end of time. I've been doing so much research into the Mayans history since the day Ben(Yckss) post:"21 Dec 2012! The end of the world!" as his nick for msn.. Main reason is due to the fact that I'm born at 21 Dec while the other is due to my name as Joshua.. Look into it if you dun understand!! haha!!

The Mayans are such highly developed civilisation that theirs over-development are the main cause of their death. Their symbol of a serpent over a cross had been scientifically proven as the standard DNA structure and it's used world-wide as the symbol for ambulance! The country that started using it? USA!! They had been so involved in mysteries of the world together with the pyramid which adds up so much things! The structure of the pyramid for one, adds up to form the perfect mathematics icon, PIE, or 3.142*****. Sorry I'm lazy to check and write down the correct figure! But think!! Using that icon and certain numbers in the Mayans world will cause you to get the world's correct length and diameter! Think!! A civilisation so far from our time actually managed to get such a figure? It's just weird to think of it..

Anyway, after the movie I met Ben before we go off to Tuft city for Biwen's bday steamboat celebration. Felt bad for being late but.. aiya! Talk to Ben and found out more about him as I managed to get some quiet time to myself which caused me to think too much yet again.. Every min I'm thinking of it and every min I will get emotional..

Before reaching home, I took a walk down Bishan park alone as I stare at the stars looking for solutions and peace.. I wonder.. What would it be like if my life is missing that piece of zig-saw puzzle which is causing me so much emotions? I know for sure I don't wish to live in that world but yet.. Everyday.. Every min.. It causes me to feel like shit.. lol..

Enough emo-ing for today.. Gotta go to bed.. although sleeping or not will be a question.. God.. I ask you humbly today.. Please help me get my emotion in place as I slowly mature on as a human.

~(08:41)


Friday 20 November 2009

My fav past time have finally came.. The time where activities and work are so packed up together that I will not have a time to myself is always something I've enjoyed over the past few years. They always managed to keep my mind off things and force that bit of emo-look in me into a smile.

However.. for a few reasons.. this period of time will be hell on me... No matter how busy I am taking photos for clients or how much I've got to do in terms of school work/after school CCas or plain fun going out with friends.. My enjoyment have been slowly flowing out...

All I feel now is pure fatigue.. I need a break.. A long one.. One which have no limits and no family.. No friends, no world, no work, no study No nothing! Just plain me and a floor of anything.. Anything which i can lay back on, with me looking up onto whichever roof/ sky above me. Having nothing on my mind just relaxing..

Maybe it's time for me to cut back the schedules and fit in some time to just run away to the beach.. Sitting there.. Staring into the endless sea.. That is but a wishful thinking though..

I've cursed myself with overflowing emotions which is hunting me none stop.. All I can do now is to lay down and pray.. Pray that a miracle would come.. And take it all away..

~(08:50)


Wednesday 18 November 2009

finally over. haha being dragging on for so darn long that have caused all party involved so drain and tired. I personally asked for it I guess. Seeing how it's becoming more and more tiring and worst still.. it's making me feel like shit day and night, everywhere i go i feel like shit and worst.

Now it's just purely about getting it over! My life is meant to be filled with friends!! wahaha! Seeing how things have being processing.. I'm just so darn dumb. It was so clear at the beginning that it's just not going to work and yet I'm pushing it further and further. IT WAS SO CRYSTAL CLEAR LAH!!! basket!!! seriously Derek was right man.. I'm dumb and naive to think it was get going to work out so how? zzz..

Few friends have to advising me about this and yet i'm a big enough block head to have ignored and just though with my life. I guess all party in this have being so tired and weak by now. I apologize to have only asked for the obvious now though. Hoping that you all seeing I'm a blockhead in obvious thinking.. I hope you all can find it in your heart to forgive this ridiculous event which is all due to my fault. Signing out for awhile. Josh

~(20:48)