Sunday, 22 November 2009
Wondering why is my life is ironic?? Just today, pastor preached to us about faith.. Something which i lack since the day my sis fell ill after our baptism. Felt so good after it that I was thinking of God along the way to studying with Vic..
Over there I lifted some heavy weight-thoughts in my heart off slightly and I was feeling rather happy.. Yet.. As i walk home.. I would receive the msg which says my sis is on the way to hospital yet again.. God... I've been struggling for years and most likely would struggle on.. While I believe with all my heart that you have the greatest reason in the world to do all these.. I sit here.. Praying.. Hoping.. Thinking.. Lord.. I'm weak. I'm immature and I'm really wondering.. Why tests keep coming by my way?
Sitting here.. Staring at nothing-ness, feeling sorry for sis and mom.. What have we done in our life to be brought to 10 years of suffering??? Every time my sis's Bday comes and we celebrate it.. It feels like me celebrating yet another full year of her illness.. I don't want this to continue!!! I always thought I was strong enough to face it over and over again but everytime she goes down.. I will be suffering.. losing faith and hope..
Negative thinking.. I said in my persentation that it prepares me for all incoming incident that might happen.. Today. I stand here. Soak in my own unbelieve and failing trust.. I've sank even deeper.. I'm now wishing for a exit.. Anywhere.. God.. I believe you hear me but this human being here have finally fallen.. Life to me is near blank and i'm ..........
~(07:13)
