Saturday, 8 May 2010

somehow, this is one thing i just can't understand.. Maybe I'm more direct but still it's weird when somebody says: 'let's keep it from him as a act of kindness' or 'be friendly to that person as a act of kindness'.

i seems to keep seeing 'kindness' this way, a cruelty.. when that person that was being shown kindness, finds out the true reason why he or she is treated that way.. wouldn't that person be crestfallen? wouldn't that person be feeling worst then what he might feel should he be shown the truth at the first place?

Some people will say, well.. it's a white lie! It's to make the person feel better.. AND THAT'S THE EXACT REASON THAT PERSON WILL FALL OFF WORST! Pushing that person up with a white lie is only going to push that person off the cliff of feelings when the lie is exposed. More often then not, it's going to happen..


Saturday, 1 May 2010

Ever had that kinda feeling where you are totally paranoid and uneasy with yourself? when everybody seems like your enemy and they are gotta back-stab you? I've just freaking when through it for one month plus..

I must say though.. I didn't know why i freaking let it happen, i could only guess that i went back to being in defensive-mode. After being a bastard for so darn long and being fed up nearly everyday, I've finally gotten a clearer mind..

You know how freaking lousy to find out what other think about you from a third party even if the comment is good? maybe i'm the only person to had felt this way but ya.. Getting infos from a third party without the confirmation of the person that was being said was really crappy. It's being nice to know but why wouldn't the person just tell me.. Do that person have a bad view on me? If there is i would rather hear it from that person then to know it in any other ways..

humans are about communication and trust! If i cannot even trust a person to tell me how he/she feels about things which i'm concerned of which that person happens to be involved in, then what a lousy world this will be! I rather have the knowledge of that person's feeling, views and perhaps reasoning in the certain topic which we are involved in then to just keep quiet and let the world move on towards a bigger, worst understanding.

maybe it's the Singaporean's mindset or the person's personal character which prevents them from saying anything about their's feeling about a certain person or telling the person right in face about how are they feeling or so. However, as humans develops, so must our communication skills, which is why i felt that it's a rather sad thing to see how communication break down can happen so easily even at this age!

Maybe it's due to the fear hurting the other person's feeling or fearing how the other person will react or even what the outcome might be but alas! Isn't fear the reason people stop in their tracks and stop developing? Isn't fear the reason why many people throw their dreams away? Isn't fear what stop people from taking that last push into their life, to have a future you would rather live in? Even as i say all these, I also have the same set of fear which most people in a country like Singapore will most likely have.. The fear of future's life.

Quoting from what my pastor had said: "you don't have to understand to be understanding and you don't have to agree to accept". Maybe this is the key for communication to start getting better? I admit, I'm not pleasant to look at or be with when i'm in my bad moods but sometimes, all you need was to have one person, caring enough to go up and ask :"hey! you alright?" but similarly, fear stops many of the people who actually thought of asking, scrap those who didn't even think about it then you will have the percentage of people asking that question at nearly 10%?

Going back to that quote from my pastor, I guess it's time for people like me to start showing we have this kind of thinking instead of the piss-me-off-and-i-will-punch-in-your-face thinking. Maybe all this time since secondary school where I've thought I've changed my violent ways, there was still a face which tells of my violent past which is shown to people causing them to start fearing.. Well.. Let the past be of a book of warning to me and let this be yet another new start! Yet again, it's never gotta be easy and nobody ever say it will be but i look froward to the day, even the most quiet person in the world will have the ease of coming up to me and telling me their problems or feelings (negative or positive) to me freely instead of keeping it inside or telling another person hoping that person will tell me..


Saturday, 13 February 2010

really hate myself, the things i've done, the things i'm doing or are thinking of. life is just getting worst


Snow Patrol- How to be dead
Sunday, 31 January 2010

Please don't go crazy,
if I tell you the truth
No you don't know what happened
And you never will if
You don't listen to me while I talk to the wall
This blanket is freezing, it's been out in the hall
Where you've had me for hours
Till I'm sure what I want
But darling I want the same thing that I wanted before
So sweetheart tell me what's up I won't stop no way

Please keep your hands down
And stop raising your voice
It's hardly what I'd be doing if you gave me a choice
It's a simple suggestion can you give me sometime
So just say yes or no
Why can't you shoulder the blame
Coz both my shoulders are heavy
From the weight of us both
You're a big boy now so let's not talk about growth
You've not heard a single word I have said...
Oh, my God

Please take it easy it can't all be my fault
I haven't made half the mistakes
That you've listed so far
Oh baby let me explain something
It's all down to drugs
At least I remember taking the and not a lot else
It seems I've stepped over linesYou've drawn again and again
But if the ecstacy's in the wit is definitely out
Dr. Jekyll is wrestling Hyde for my pride


Thursday, 14 January 2010

how many mistake must i make before i can finally stop it?

Mistake is something which is seriously pure crap.. My chracter changes for the "better" all the time before finding out it's slowly going towards the worse side.. I wonder.. How many word i said in a joke had been taken seriously in front of other.. How Many Time Have It Affected Others?

I keep thinking that now i'm in poly, the words i've used might have a lesser impact when i uses words in a joke comment. ITE life means seriousness everyday.. DO I need to return back to those days?

Where it's so darn uptight everyday.. Being serious when I'm happy, sad or angry? Chosing words like it means my life is betting on it.. I'm so darn immature.. somebody said that I'm still stupid.. HAHA! how true that should had been and how a warning it had been.

How much will i continue to change or will i stop here?


Saturday, 26 December 2009

drank abit just now.. kinda drunk.. they say the amount of alcohol you drink doesn't make you drunk. but the things that happens to you.. How true it is man.. I'm stright away drunk after ben left and i'm thinking.. god.. why.. maybe life is unfair and such.. but still i thanks you over and over again..

i shall push everything to lord's hand and pray that he relieve me.. God.. The drunk dead Joshua here today is of no more! by tmr.. A new Joshua shall rise while the old dies


Monday, 21 December 2009

My bday!! wow.. yet again.. my bday pass and i'm older.. .haha i wonder on though...

As you grow older, you are supposed to be wiser and smarter.. Yet.. I'm holding on to things which most likely will nv be mine or even close to mine.. Why?? Why am i such a blockhead? Haiz.. I really don't know..

Time to forget it all? seems impossible..