sorry for anyone who happens to see the last, deleted one.. went siao for awhile.. cannot control emotions..
~(09:05)



i'm back to be like myself at secondary school days.. where everyday i torture myself mentally.. haiz.. something that most likely ends up negative should be abandon... but i just can't do it.. i'm not that cool to forgo my feelings.. feels like i'm slowly eating my heart out.. zzz.. oh well.. enough of emo blogging let's go on to today's Joshua life haha..

woke up at abt 7 to do somethings.. causing me to be late for meeting naz and guo wei at the library.. felt abit.. sian.. not because of studying but because well.. nvm.. meet them up and study..although i woke up feeling great, my mood totally sucks as i make the journey to the library.. don't feel like doing anything at all.. reach there.. tried to study.. failed.. sit there and stare.. making myself looks like a idiot.. well.. i'm one since i'm the one to call for the study meeting yet i'm stoning there because i have a lousy mood..

went off later.. had lunch at nebo with guo wei and naz.. mood got worst when i found out i lost my passion card.. total crap. tried thinking positive.. hey! at least you only lost your passion card!! i mean I forgot my whole bloody wallet yesterday after the taewando training and after one hour when i rushed back it's still there!! With everything inside!!! thank god there's good people out there. Still the mood remains lousy but i managed to have some fun chatting we guo wei and Naz.

Watched Terminator Salvation the movie after eating. i think that movie is great.. however i didn't enjoy watching it much due to myself again.. going to download it and watch it again some other time. Asked Naz and Guo Wei to come over and study after the show since the library is most likely crowed.. Reached my house at abt 7 and they goes off at abt 9. Thxs Naz and Guo Wei to actually take time off haha.. somemore have to see the person who organize it not studying.. must had feel like punching me ei?

Made this statement to them.. I will wear only white shirt for the next next week.. which is 8 to 12 of april.. last day which is friday i will wear formal.. lol.. shall see how.. organization 13 cloak coming up soon..
~(06:48)



late post again.. friday was a rather bz day for me although there's only 2 hours of maths.. lucky the sch arranged a special maths course for the ITE student, the way that lecturer teach is well.. rather speedy and sometime hard to grasp.

after maths class, went to play tennis with JH( both), Naz, Xin Hui, Yan Hua, Shi Ya, Syafiqah, Guo wei, Sam and jonathan.. played for abt 1 hour plus before i feel like dropping.. felt damn sian.. stamina still so lousy. Every sports i do even when i loved it got limited. When we all stop playing tennis.. everyone left expect for Naz, lim JH, Syafiqah, sam and me. We went inside kofu, soak in on the free aircon as we rest and chit chat. chat for abt 1 hour before leaving the sch towards our own destination.

For some reason.. As I leave kofu.. I feel like i had annoyed someone very badly with my words.. umn.. maybe it's because i'm too sensitive.. but it's still bothering me now. Well.. I'm a wood lah.. you shoot a arrow full of feelings towards me and i wouldn't even noe what had happened.. If i did say something to annoy you.. sorry man.. i'm a retard on that area..

walk home and while on the way i suddenly thought that i'm not studying enough so went to the library and choing some books.. random sia ><.. went home after one hour since i promised vic to swim.. reached home kinda early.. didn't think i would walk so shortly and that fast. Sleep for around 2 hours before vic called and told me to go swimming earlier as it's too hot.. swim for one hour plus and went home since vic got a stomach ache..

Went to vic's house to slack around. got a call from mother and with her tone i knew i'm died for something i didn't even do.. WTF man.. Went home to listen to the "nice music" she will soon sing .. well.. got scolded for my sister's action.. kinda ignored it.. went online and played the sim3 while waiting for vic to get online and say the plans of today.. that bastard was playing dota like a retard and made the whole group of people wait for him for 2 hours.. finally came online after i called him.. finish up the plans and shut down the com and sleep.. felt really tired.. mentally and physically.. i need a rest.. soon.. eternal will be welcome..
~(22:23)



In mech class now. Saw something i never thought i would had seen.. MY LAPTOP FLYING!!! OMG!!! my laptop pro right? so darn good that it can fly ><.. came into the lecture class to find that my foldable table had been a victim of vandalism.

When i tried to get my charger from the bag, i accidentally knock onto my laptop on the very nicely vandalised table. My lapatop start flying ><.. Six years of playing goalkeeper finally paid off and i managed to catch my dear lappy in time somehow lah huh.. lol. going back listen to stress lecture and get more stress..
~(20:22)



This post is only to say i wrote xin hui's name wrongly again -.-''... if edit will be very mafan so post easier ^^. Sorry xinhui!!!!
~(08:22)



I know I'm in no position to say this.. Every people have problems, big or small, they would still be troubled with it.. That applies to family.. in fact that applies greatly towards family. You said your family is fucked up, you say you feel like you don't belong there.. Seeing how your family works.. sometime i truly think you are really sad case.

However you aren't the worse. There's worse cases around Singapore and from my own background i got a truly fucked up father and a truly 50% nut case relatives from my father side. I know people whose family are nearly broken up and they are still trying to build it back.. Look into your background and see the reason to why they treat you that way.. They might had treated you like that from the beginning BUT did you try to make them change theirs ways? You tried to use the big over small method over two boys when you are one girl? somemore you are the youngest? hello? even if you are the oldest you must also think who the hack will treat someone that treats them recklessly like a sister??

I believe that in every family problems, big or small, the impact it causes is all the same.. you might think that other's problem is small compares to yours well vice versa to you as well.. Adapt to your situation.. Improvise it.. Make the best out of a lousy situation.. your case can still be solved.. A few of my friends are so deep in that it's taking years to get back on.. change your attitude.. If you see this and feel like whacking me, i will be at your house this sat you can whack all you like..
~(11:54)



Here's something directed towards a ITE friend.. is getting a gf really that important? what truly matters is that you love that person which is why you want to go out right?? getting a gf that's only "play play" is like telling the girl you are a toy.. They are not states booster.. They are humans.. treat people with respect and they shall threat you e same..
~(11:50)



omg so long nv post le... although i'm currently tired and sleepy i felt like i should at least write down one day worth of life experiance in what i consider to be bz meaningful week. Plus if i dun write this post i would have owe shari two posts><.. told her i would be writing about her at my blog twice le haha i shall start at the beginning of the week at Monday..

Felt my old shelf being back for somewhat the first time in poly.. feeling totally emotional, when someone was saying a joke i would actually laugh all the way like a mad man, totally unstoppable and i keep turning sad and angry for nothing o.O lol.. come Tuesday.. the full force of it finally came. It's what i considered to be a full force mood swing.. I started the day really great. Was feeling fine and happy. Totally different from Monday.

Then it started.. I gotten sad all of a sudden and in the middle of lunch break, went out towards a empty field, and shouted!! Just a nice big "AHHHH!!!!". A real stupid move as about six or seven student happened to be walking past the field and they were staring a me like they had seen a mad man ><''!!! omg.. so embarrassing.. that shout however, didn't managed to stop my mood swing.. went to class and hear lectures then all of a sudden i feel like punching somebody.. OUT OF NOWHERE!!! i just suddenly feel like punching somebody!!! anybody.. shit... took out my laptop, lend some lecture notes from Naz and started writing out the stuff like a mad man.. type, type and type.. my frustration finally got slightly melt down.. kept the laptop then started to really listen to the class.. after the class however.. my feeling was still at the peak.. told myself to clam down.. totally useless ><.. Finally i asked Naz to hold up my maths textbook, concentrated strength inside my arm and released out a moderate strength punch onto the book!! the feeling right after doing that was totally shiok!!! However i must apologise to Naz and anyone that seen me in this "siao" mode that two days.. it's totally random and out of no reason at all.. sorry.

Wed, went to play tennis with JH, Shari, Syafiqah, Xi Hui (I SPELT YOUR NAME CORRECTLY!!! WOOT!!! lol), Shi Ya, Ming Yang, Paul and Sam. Also have to say sorry to all of you that I organize this tennis but didn't go look into it further, asking if the court would be used and all.. We played for 20 mins + because of the earlier booking by the tennis club and had to leave. I felt very disgusted by the attitude of NYP in a sense that we cannot borrow basketball, soccer, tennis ball etc. etc. as they are only lendable to people that are in those club themselves. Hello!!! if they are in those club themselves isn't it a common sense that they might have those equipments themselves? Save for a small group of people. If you are scared that some people might damage/ steal those things that make them leave their student card before lending it to them! Why so kiasu? Due to the failed try of lending basketball, me, Shari and JH went running at the track field while Paul and Ming Yang went to their CCA and the rest went back home. sorry again to you all!!! JH went around the field for a good six or seven round while the out of shape me went only about 1 and a half ><.. so out of shaped that i even felt like vomiting later and did vomit!! damn.. Shari was troubled with her relationship problems and although i wished to help getting her moods up, i just couldn't find the words to do it.. felt really useless as a friend to be unable to even say something to cheer her up... Went with them to Kofu to makan and drink water.. Chat about our personal secrets and found two people with a really deep background. In the middle of the chat.. I accidentally smack my drink towards me causing my pants to be totally wet.. lucky i brough extras.. lol..

Thurs, a rather smooth day that i noted to myself that the mood swinging had ended. However Sam became the bad mood one and he also screamed just like i did, only he did it inside a empty toliet while what i did was making a fool out of myself in public >< haha. Friday, Nearly late for lab as i over slept again but luck was on my side and the bus came early, Xi hui helped me print the lab report so i didn't have to worry about it. Thanks!! after C programming class in which i was playing pokemon indigo and reading news over the net 75% of the time, Naz, me and JH(lee not lim) went for Chess club. Naz had juz became the vice-chairman of the international Chess club (Congrats man!!!) and was high on that day over it. Played weiqi for awhile and thought that i might have improved abit, played double international chess with Naz and two other guys, shockingly... Naz lost... omg.. i think it's because too many of my pieces kanna eaten though.. Went back home at around 7 and went swimming.


Sat, Went to the last Alpha course(out of 15) at GMC in the early morning.. When i first when for the course, I seriously felt like i got betrayed by my mother in the sense that i went for the course to support her going since she said she would go if i accompany her but she backed out later, that morning she sounded like she's kinda pissed off at me still sleeping when it should be time i left the house.. got mad and told her that i will remember it inside me that when i finally did something and craved time out for her, she back out suddenly.. felt angry inside me while i travel towards the meeting point with aunt susan (my mother friend, she met her when my sis was still inside the hospital and due to her regular visit they soon become close friends.) Throughout the traveling, tons of people was staring at me with that kinda, wow.. a bloody gangster.. , kinda look.. was still tired so i decided to let myself doze off even though i was standing.. Met aunt suasan up and slept for awhile inside her car, arrive there and started to sleep inside church before it started.. that day was a video recording of the alpha course held at england, although the speaker in the video is a great speaker.. i was tired enough to have slept through the whole course.. felt so damn bad to the people who was concentrating.. At the end, rushed back to amk to change and get ready to go swimming!! on the way towards home.. i felt terrible for speaking to my mother that way.. called her just to say sorry.. Reached home, grab my stuff and rushed off since i'm already late.. Met up with MY, JH and Shari at the YCK mrt although i'm late. That day was the proving for this sentence. :"do not judge a book by it's cover". Since out of JH, me and MY.. only MY is the da ge while JH and i are still small kids.. lol.. Since Shari dun really know how to swim, me, MY and JH went to the adult pool to warm up first. After awhile we went to the middle pool to chit chat for awhile, talking about horny stuff lol.. Then we moved off to the kids pool where there's a waterfall kinda feature that feels just like massage ^^. went off to eat at sumo house later, shari was in a hurry to get back as after eating, walked them towards the MRT/traffic light intercross and said our GBs to MY and Shari then JH accompany to take bus at Amk hub. Chat on the way there then bus came and say bye to him as well. Was so tired that i just fell onto the bed after bathing one more time then just sleep.. till the morning at abt 9.30 when my phone goes off telling me to wake up..

The next day which is today's post would be post tommorow because i'm to tired to continue on.. Sorry haha bb

btw.. stop avioding me.. i'm not a monster, alien or anything like that.. jokes aside, if your negative abt it.. then so be it.. We are still friends alright?
~(07:38)



laying on my bed.. staring at the ceiling.. losing a fight that haven't began.. what the heck am i doing??
this isn't a riddle.. dun go posting possible "answers" on the tag or comments... thxs...
~(08:14)



It's one of those days where a good mood suddenly turns bad all of a sudden..

Fourth time this year i nearly been late for class ><.. Woke up early at 7.30, only to drag the time on by slacking on the bed till around 8.44 before rushing down as usual and flagging a cab to NYP.. Reach there kinda in time and since it's computer programming, i juz sit one side and try to recap all the ITE stuff.. Felt really bad during the lesson, slight fever coming up and my limbs feels like they are in ice. At abt 30 mins into the class, i rushed out of the room to buy some medicine. Class ended and life comes back into me as I rushed out of the classroom to some warm sunlight. Went on to maths class.. Head was spinning, mind wasn't on track and limbs are totally cold.. Fell asleep as soon as i reach the class and dispite waking up at certain part of the lesson, i still didn't have enough energy to stay awake. Feels so damn bad lah. sleep in her lesson.. somemore i was sitting right in front of her ><.. Must make up to her by scoring high in the exams. Amazingly, i recovered in between break time which is right after the maths lesson. That made me feel worse for sleeping in the class.. sian.. break ends, physic start, recap about secondary school work again.. Read news using laptop in physics lesson, Mechanics starts, listen in class for the first time today.. Class ended felt sad that it's so short and wished that it had continue ><.. Feeling rather good by now and i'm in one of my better moods.. Gone to Dr.Li Ying class, tried receiving files through Heucampus, worked. played song through laptop softly since the lecturer isn't gotta teach.. Then the lecturer suddenly told me to stay back..

She told me : " I'm receiving feedbacks from lecturers that you are talking quite alot in class, It's good that you are outgoing, open to stuffs and a easy person to get along to but for the sake of your study, you should tone down." This sentence alone.. Made me feel in that few seconds, making me really sian, unmotivated and demoralised.. Damn feel so useless and weak that one sentence can cause me to be in that state..

Walked to the interchange with jonathan, shiya and xinhui.. throughout the journey i keep trying to make conversation but it keeps falling apart.. I just couldn't make my mood better.. Say bye to Jonathan at the Mrt station then walked on with the two girls.. Didn't really talk much.. Say bye to them then walk towards the other bus stop to take 86..

Met vic at Amk hub to eat.. throughout the whole time from about 6.30 to 8, i was emoing away inside.. I forced myself to chat with him and to smile and laugh, as i was doing all this.. I felt myself slowly getting to my dark side.. I didn't wanna interact.. I don't wanna talk to anyone.. OMG!!! JOSHUA YOU ARE SUCH A WEAK BASTARD!!!! KNN!!! WEAK SH*T!!!

Went home later as voices in my head had conflicts with each other.. one trying to say my progress in NYP had been great and i should continue on.. The other however was my old voice.. the weak bastard emoing away.. feeling sorry for himself.. Laid on my bed without even changing and meditated.. I was so disrupted in my personal thoughts that i cannot focuses.. Realised that it's useless, i slump to sleep and woke up moments later, having a gaint headache..

Tried listening to smoothing songs to cure it.. Slowly working.. Slowly closed my eyes and meditated.. My mind at that time was finally free of conflict and i'm finally able to look into myself.. Slowly gather myself.. Went to bath, read news on the Internet and saw that china have one confirmed influenza A case then type this long post. Wonder if i will get back to "myself" tomorrow.. lol.
~(09:25)



Today, one of my friend from church suddenly came up to me and ask me when will i start acting my own age!! It got me thinking.. I'm 19 this year, I spend 2 years in ITE purely used to sort emotions out and for play. I spend 4 years in secondary sch being a emo kid whose forever angry for personal reasons. SO.. Let's cut out 16 years of my previous life from secondary sch onwards.

Army awaits me in 2 and a half year time. I have long considered my all my kids years before sec sch as wasted.. Being completely clueless about things and basically sleep a good 12 years of my life away...

Sec sch was a turning point.. my feeling was slowly tied up there and i'm finally becoming more normal then it came, N lvl.. A exam I had never thought about passing.. in fact i planned to go to ITE all the way from the start!! I didn't plan for promotion towards sec 5 N(a).. I planned for two years of rest (funny that it came out of a slacker mouth lol)..

ITE was one of my best years.. My emotions are finally being placed correctly and i gradually stop getting angry for nothing.. however.. I know that my maturity level had fell alot during that fruitful two years.. I did things that are purely retarded, things that a person of my age shouldn't had done.. I'm acting without thinking and I'm completely wayward..

Come to the NYP first few months.. Before going in, I spend three whole months trying to get myself on the correct mindset.. To grow up before going in.. I however onli managed to get it up to a level which i consider is somewhere in my sec 2 level..

Fast forward to today.. I'm still immature.. Doing things which are negative for me proves it.. I'm far from the level which i am at sec 4.. How i act now would seems different towards certain people.. however i'm still me and being immature is still me haha.. After thinking about the time left which i can still have senseless fun which is 2 years, I'm treasuring the time left there for me.. University is a outside thought.. the percentage of me going in is way too far and plans to study master would most likely have to be private, a part time study while i work..

Embrace the time left, the treasure within depends on how you acts and how things had been going though.
~(07:04)



Damn suay sia.. Today's class supposed to start at 1010 so i woke up at 8, seeing that i'm still kinda early i decided to lay back to my nice warm bed and slack there for awhile... onli to fall asleep and wake up at 1000... meaning i'm so damn late >< ..

Rushed abit which thanks to my secondary experiences i managed to bath, eat, brush teeth and prepare my bag in just 8 mins flat woot!!! ^^ Rushed down all the way to the bus stop hoping to catch a taxi instead then found out.. bloody hell me.. so darn forgettful that i forgotten my student card!!! ran all the way back home to take the card then rush down yet again..

Juz as i'm about to step out of the lift and run towards the bus stop again my shoe lace broke.. not just for one side but for both!!! zzz.. decided that i have no time to change to the other shoe which will take me abt 5 mins to lace up i ran towards the bus stop yet again, just like what a lousy day should be, there's more trouble ahead.. just as i'm running so close to the bus stop seeing a taxi alighting a passenger.. i fell straight down on a pool of water.. making my whole body wet and well.. go back home change again..

Finally managed to make the trip to the bus stop without any problems i waited for the taxi.. waited and waited... made myself angry over nothing thinking that taxi drivers are always saying they have not enough business when there i stand.. waiting for a taxi with a rather annoyed look carrying a bag that's was made heavy due to the things i had to bring.. sian ..

Finally a taxi came and the trip towards NYP finally started... while in the taxi, although it's onli for like two mins, the taxi driver showed me how a hokkien person can really scold vulgarities.. He picked up his phone on the middle for the trip then suddenly his voice got louder then KNNB CCB and a few other which i dunnoe how to type out came out.. damn power sia >< wasted five bucks, a set of clean clothes and time just because i'm a lazy ares wanting to sleep more.. i learned my lesson lol..

first lesson was mechanics with my self proclaimed "22 years old, best lecturer in the world" lecturer taking over tutorial as Leonard the lecturer in charge of tutorial was sick with flu oO.. he's a great lecturer in the sense that he can make a boring lesson fun.

Came lunch, had some great Malay food at the south canteen then moved over to Shari's group and chat awhile.. seriously she's very open minded.. so open minded that the chat was filled with gays and lesbians, private parts and things that can happen to it and tons of thing you normally will not say in front of a opposite sex..

Came Material science which is bloody boring... kept falling asleep during his lesson.. at least i learn abit and recap lots of sec sch knowledge. Sch finally ended!!! can go home!!! PS naz again.. lol.. he was going to the international chess club's orientation which i didn't sign up for and with that i PS him for the second time.. first time during Monday when i ran away from sprint kataying (Spelling error) and now this.. hiaz.. at least i will be there tmr for the chinese chess and w- chess mah haha..

Walked with Yanhua home with my mindset thinking of losing weight, chat with her all the way till it's somewhere near her house then i walk back home.. reach home, bath then sleep wahhaha!! the great feeling of sleeping lol.. woke up at 1800 to buy new shoes.. the shoe which i brought 3 months ago is now in such a lousy situation that i have to buy a new one to prepare for it's soon to be funeral lol...

Walked thoughout the whole AMK centre finding for shoe.. found about 7 pairs which i truly liked... all 7 have either a size smaller or a size bigger but not my size ><'' .. Walked back to AMK hub where i brough two dry polo at Giordano.. took a bus back home, checked my blog and found yanhua's msg saying i nv add her lol... I DID!!! it's just that you checked too early haha.. checking out now.. bb
~(06:06)



Woke up at 1450 today by a sms from wei zhi asking me to go cycling tmr. shocked that i've slept for over 14 hours!!! damn!! Went out with vic to have lunch.. went our separate ways moments latter. While walking towards my house I keep thinking of nonsenses making myself negative..

This friday makes the end of the second week of poly life and up till now i still i still can't believe i had adapted to poly so far.. Meeting people was never one of my strength and when i have to meet a whole new class of 25 people i feel like walking away quietly like a mouse better to be unseen and unheard.. I came out quite the opposite of what i think i might be..

Poly life seems great and rosy.. Hopes it continue but... nvm.. I'm totally fu*king negative now.. blog next time..
~(06:21)

Name is Joshua and I've got a emo hairstyle. I'm a Jack of all trade master of none but hey! I love it!! I'm random and stubborn and I LOVE GOD!

Create a MySpace Playlist at MixPod.com

Andrew Phuah
Angela
Gary
Hui Qing
Jun Hong
Li Tian
Naz
Neesa
NMS 0902
Raymond
Shari
Syafiqah
Tavis
Tiong Teck
Yan Hua
Yao Rong
Yi Yun
Ying Jie



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